UPON LEAVING JOGJA
I left Jogja on June 13. As my train strolled across vast lands with enchantingly beautiful views, I sat thinking of Change- and smiled.That was odd, actually. I never thought I would leave Jogja smiling. And my relationship with Change had always hovered between love and fear. I used to boast that I DID love change, yet inside, fear kicked love down most shamefully.
Fear of Change. Restlessness. Those are what I scribbled on Feb 1, when I had just got hold of my degree.
“As I was walking along my favorite lane, I thought of the future (again) and what would become of me. I guess these are the days when I am compelled to ponder the next stages of my life. So- as I was saying- I pictured myself leaving Jogja to work elsewhere.
Will I be happy? To part with this lane I love so much? With Dhika and recitals and blue sky and cozy dinings? With the people I love? With the life I’m used to?
Will I be happy to be uprooted from this fertile soil I’ve come to love, and be planted in an unfamiliar ground? I don’t know. I think I’ll be happy still. But will I be HAPPIER?”
The future is always scary, because you don’t know what will happen next. Yet the future is also exciting, exactly because you don’t know what will happen next.
When I was that silly, lazy girl in Jogja, leading a frivolous life, I KNEW what would probably happen next. Life was so comfortable and predictable and perhaps less exciting. Life was- in one word, easy.
But then easy things don’t instruct you much. Deep inside I’ve had always kept aflame the urge to move on. Progress is the essence of one’s existence- even if it pains one. And progress means Change.
So here I am, in Jakarta. I’m writing this in my cubicle- 3x4 sq meters, chilly, full of filing cabinets, very business-like and with no access to see the sky. How funny it is. The sky used to be so natural a view to me- I saw it when I woke up, I stared at it while planning my day, I walked under it humming silly tunes- on a daily basis. Now, I have to walk along the hallway to have a peep at the sky- only to find it greyer than ever.
But really, I mustn’t grumble. In what aspect can my new life be perceived as wanting? Friends are abundant- of registered working class. Meaning, they seem to be around only when you’re at your busiest. But then malls are also abundant. Living in this confirmed money-driven world, when you lack agreeable company, spending is the quickest shortcut to happiness. You’re happy when you pay- you’re happy because you know (and people notice) you CAN pay. Yet you eat your burger with a somber look. You drag your shopping bags sulkily. At the end of the day it’s just you and those useless stuffs. Piles and piles up- hunting your conscience down- of how FUTILE this pursue is.
It’s scary being alone. I’m telling you, it really is.
No, folks- save your worry. I’m NOT exactly alone.
Just next door at the lodging, an old pal is always ready at my service. At the office I come across a whole bunch of familiar faces –thanks to my “reputable” uni background- and am excited to get to know the unfamiliar ones. I schedule weekly bowling and yoga and sport dancing and choir and all. Then there’s Tiessa with her karaoke/footwear hunting moods. Here’s Alice-in-Wonderland. Adventures beckon.
After all is said and done, I find myself sufficiently happy- even with the realization that Jogja is left behind. Happy there as I was, if I had stayed, I don’t think I would have been as content. That’s the answer to my questions. Change is not awful- it’s the fear. And the only way to conquer fear is to look at it squarely in the eyes and fight it.
So I left Jogja- smiling in the anticipation of what lied ahead. Smiling- knowing how much happier I would be when I came back. Jogja remains a place most dear to me. Well- that is to say that some things just don’t CHANGE, man.
posted by eloque @ 4:33 AM
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