Sunday, June 15, 2008

I AM NO DANCER

I am no dancer. I’m pretty good at memorizing steps, but my body moves like a log despite the correct footwork.

My dance instructor tells me again and again, “Elok, it’s all in your head. If you believe you can, you can”.

“But indeed I can’t. I can’t shake my torso like you do; can’t wiggle my bottom like you do; can't wave my hands like you do. Every imbecile knows it”, says I stubbornly.

The funny part is, I do believe in self-fulfilling prophecy. And my case is exactly that.

My mum first took me to a traditional dance class when I was little. I remember the joy at the beginning— dancing with my peers and having great times swirling about the room. That was until I heard what my dance instructor said to my mum.

I wasn’t actually eavesdropping. My dance instructor was talking to my mum, but he was fully aware that I was there listening to every word he said as well. My dance career (or what could have been) ended right then, right there.

He told my mum that I couldn’t join the other girls in the next performance because I wasn’t up to their level yet. My mum argued that the girls and I joined the class at roughly the same time—but to that, the dance instructor shook his head, saying that it wasn’t a function of time. Simply put, I was no dancer, and no matter how long I practiced, the sad fact would remain.

Finally my mum nodded, if quite gravely. I stared at the two of them -at the agreement they made- with innocent eyes, thinking that if two grown-ups said so, then it must be true: I was no dancer. I was silently accepting my “fate”.

This ghost of my past haunted me in good many years that followed. Every occasion that included dancing saw me running home or elsewhere. I wouldn’t dance because my dancing sucked—and to be forced to dance in public was my worst nightmare.

Even to this day the ghost haunts me still, but I can see that it has reduced itself from a gigantic no-no to an obstinate, tiny prejudice towards myself. The fear of being humiliated has evaporated somewhere along the fight. I was on the stage last month-- line-dancing with several other ladies in IPA Cocktail Party. I dance in every social event my function arranges. I attend a regular dance class and somehow bear with being the stupidest in the room (trust that my being the stupidest is a very rare occasion *cough*).

Ten years ago I would never had dreamed of enjoying dancing very much to the point of buying pricey dance shoes. I do now. But the thought that I am no dancer obstinately lingers. I guess it means that I have to pay more respect to Freud-- childhood trauma does leave a lasting mark.

As I’m writing this, one of Jewel’s songs quietly plays in the back of my head, “I have this theory/ that if we’re told we’re bad// That’s the only idol we’ve ever had// But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty/ someday we will become what we see.. //”

And I dance to its tune.

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posted by eloque @ 3:06 AM What Say You?: 0

Saturday, April 05, 2008

100 QUIRKS

1. I used to leave out my surname “Nur”-- coz I didn’t like the sound of it.
2. My vanity includes 20 shades of lipstick colours, 8 different fragrances and 17 pairs of footwear.
3. But I don’t wear make-up and I stick to my old pair of 20,000-rups wedges most obstinately.
4. I hum when I’m self-conscious.
5. I was in a stud choir once—a soprano.
6. Words are my passion. I have this yen to be a writer.
7. Greek mythology fascinates me.
8. The three blokes I drool over: John Mayer, Jakob Dylan, and Jamie Aditya.
9. Open air exhilarates me.
10. What I consider greatest achievements: standing on top of Mt. Sindoro, Lawu & Merbabu.
11. I scootered around the island when backpacking in Bali with Pristi last year.
12. I am not humble –tried and failed to be.
13. My favourite book of all time is “Immortality” by Milan Kundera.
14. I don’t take things seriously, save for good books and recitals.
15. I speak a little Japanese and Korean— used to write in Hiragana and Han-gul, too.
16. I don’t eat chicken wings. Nor ducks.
17. I’m still using my 5-yr-old mobile. It doesn’t have colours.
18. Vests, not jackets.
19. I used to write poetries.
20. I was an MTV addict.
21. My idea of a pet is a virtual one.
22. I’m good at Sudoku and Othello.
23. But in general, I’m not much into games.
24. I cannot spell “bureaucracy” without consulting a dictionary.
25. The nearest to perfection in women would be Alicia Keys.
26. I love the smell of cinnamon and sandalwood, lily and lavender.
27. I’m a very direct person.
28. I don’t like dolls. They’re cute alright—but utterly useless.
29. But I do long to have a black cat doll. Will name it “Dem”, after “Demon”.
30. I can’t swim. My pretty swimsuit remains forever dry.
31. I fell madly in love with Tay Hanson when he was 14.
32. Most of my clothes are black/green/pink.
33. I’m a clumsy dancer who keeps on cha-cha-cha-ing despite the obvious lack of talent.
34. My research back in uni was about process optimization of chitosan membrane production. Novel technology—or so they said.
35. I crave yoghurt, corn and all kind of fruits.
36. I’m half-sanguine, half-choleric. Very un-phlegmatic.
37. My wish list includes learning Latin. And reading Newton’s Principia. And learning to play a fiddle.
38. I’m a reservoir engineer in a “Fortune’s Big Five” company.
39. I’ve been wearing jilbab (headscarf) since my freshman year.
40. My true interests are of ideas and philosophy.
41. The longest time I’ve spent chatting online was 6 hours straight. With a forlorn Indonesian guy in U.S.
42. Gael Ulrich was the only chemical engineer (so far) who could write textbooks in a fun way.
43. My favourite music piece currently is “La Caccia” by Antonio Vivaldi (4Seasons – Autumn – 3rd movement).
44. I walk fast. I mean, FAST.
45. I’m prejudiced against strikingly beautiful people. They are either brainless or bitchy.
46. Astronauts were my heroes. Cosmos remains my fascination.
47. I adore the wits of Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain and George Bernard Shaw.
48. I don’t have internet access in my office.
49. I melt when exposed to a suave British accent talking about sophisticated, cultured matters.
50. Pursuing a master degree is in my 5-yr plan list.
51. My costliest worldly possession is a dark grey, fur-lined French Connection winter coat the company paid for.
52. My nails are exceptionally beautiful.
53. At the age of 11, I did not know the meaning of the word “yesterday”. I did know “yes” and “day”, though.
54. I collect freebies from hotels I’ve stayed in. Toiletries, stationery, teabags—you name it.
55. I was in the Girl Scout ‘till 17. Learnt Morse codes, mapping, encrypted languages and all.
56. I have three brothers and no sister.
57. If I were an animal, I’d be a bird.
58. Like a helpless romantic, I instantly fall for Austen’s Mr. Darcy.
59. I want to die young.
60. Groovy words like “proletarian”, “helter-skelter” and “plebby” take my fancy.
61. My average bowling score is 105.
62. I am starting a campaign to drop plastic bags.
63. I can’t sleep before I read something. Anything.
64. Nothing beats a cup of hot Earl Grey. Not even Starbucks.
65. Self-sufficiency is my forte.
66. I like rains only when I’m indoor—warm and dry.
67. But I do like drizzles.
68. I’m not good at taking rejections. Never was.
69. My delight is in hot showers and cosy bath-tubs.
70. I don’t watch telly. I don’t own one.
71. My hair is straight, waist-long and claret-coloured—constantly braided into a bun under the headscarf.
72. I did not go to kindergarten.
73. My mum is a housewife.
74. During my uni years, I worked part-time as an Indonesian language teacher for foreigners.
75. I don’t read chicklits. In fact, I detest them.
76. I want to be able to cut and make my own dresses.
77. I procrastinate scheduling an appointment with a dental surgeon.
78. I hate my passport photo. I look horrendous there.
79. My mobile is kept silent all day. I leave it in my drawer during meetings.
80. It takes me a couple of seconds to tell right from left.
81. I think there’s a fair chance of my remaining single ‘till ripe age—and I’m OK with it.
82. My secret desire is study social science at Columbia Uni.
83. I could be an exasperating perfectionist at times.
84. I don’t understand chaos theory. Did not finish the book.
85. First received a love letter when 10. First (and only) sent one when 18, I guess. Stupid crush.
86. I’m not much into texting. Except when waiting for boarding.
87. I’m sweet-toothed. Sweets are in my pockets.
88. My heart goes soft for BBC Drama Series.
89. I was there when earthquake hit Jogja in 2006.
90. First time abroad, I went to Melbourne.
91. I normally eat once a day. Lunch.
92. I cry when I’m sleepy. I mean tears just come trickling down.
93. I must see Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra’s New Year’s Eve Concert before I die.
94. When I’m rich, I will build a small school. Free education and a REALLY good library.
95. What I quote most frequently: “The most important thing in this world is not so much where you are as in what direction you are going”, by Goethe.
96. I tend to get entangled with married men— simply because they are mature, sensible, gentile and don’t ask for commitments.
97. I’m in the lookout for Jewel’s old poetry book “A Night without Armor”.
98. One of my fondest memories was when my crush drove me home at 3 in the morning. Those frivolous days.
99. Blueberry ice cream, please!
100. I thought I was narcissistic enough to list my 100 quirks without difficulties. The fact showed otherwise.

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posted by eloque @ 5:29 AM What Say You?: 2