A NECESSITY TO "LOVE"
I was driving with some friends when we -twenty something, vibrant, viable- eventually ended up talking about how hard it is to find a perfect partner, a Yamato Nadeshiko, in this metropolitan full of pretty wolves.
“I had a pearl of a girl once, but I was dumb enough to let her go...”, one of them mused regretfully. We were all silent for a second or two- probably involuntarily being reminded of one particular dearest we lost in the past as well.
“I think very few people managed to marry the ones who are perfect for them. Instead, the majority married whom they considered the most suitable ones when the time came for them to marry”, another replied.
“The time came for them to marry? I thought we could decide ourselves when we want to wed”, I responded laughingly. But then it is not true. Somehow most of us decide to get married at the age that the society sees fit for us to get married. We do not want to be called old spinsters or old chaps; and we dread being relentlessly nagged by our parents about “settling down with a nice guy/girl” and “giving them a grandchild”.
In Indonesia, at twenty something, particularly after college, the folks are entering the realms of “Panic Age”. They will start thinking seriously of settling down and starting a family, and the more they are into the idea, the more panicky they become in the quest of finding The One. The Perfect One.
Some of them turn to jerks checking out every girl they set eyes on; some of them quietly restrain themselves in great distress.
Until one point the pressure is just too big to bear and they fall victim to the craftily devised “trap” in which nature & culture unite. Marriage as a compromise, defense, or even defeat. That is the point where Yamato Nadeshiko no longer matters. They have this necessity to “love”, and it could be just anyone, as long as they seem fit and “okay”.
Marriage as a compromise, defense, or even defeat. Isn't it sad?
How unfair and unjust the twists of Life are. You might love your high school sweetheart with all the loves in the world; she might be just perfect; but the time was not right and you two went your separate ways. She might be the queen of your heart still; and she might even love you still; but if she was not around when the time “came” for you to marry, you would end up with someone else. Someone tolerable or even nice, perhaps, but not this “pearl of a girl”. And there you are stuck for the rest of your life.
Just before we get off the car, another friend, staring at the traffic, mused quietly, “I read somewhere once that life is like crossing a desert. Along the journey you could pick the loveliest flower you saw and bring it with you for solace and consolation, but you could never go back. It's a take-it-or-leave-it situation. Sure enough, there might be a prettier rose just around the corner, but are you going to risk the whole journey reserving yourself? You either be content with the one you had, or be content knowing that you had once beheld the prettiest of all flowers there were, yet you could not bring it home because it was too late”.
His somewhat tragic allegory relates to us too well. Spending a lifetime trying to find Mr./Ms. Perfect sounds quite unworthy, but picking up a rose only out of a necessity sounds horrid as well.
I believe that to love is voluntary. A necessity to love is not love. It is compromise.
posted by eloque @ 6:10 AM
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