WE'RE "NOSY", YOU'RE "FLIRTY"
When I was a naïve girl of 12, just beginning to learn English, I thought that to bridge two cultures, language was all you needed. I thought that if I could master English, I would understand “English-speaking people” thoroughly.I am now a naïve girl of 24, and 12 years of experience has shown that I thought wrong.
Suppose you’re a bule (this is our “affectionate” way of calling foreigners, especially when they’re white), just arrived here in Indonesia. Local wisdom urges you to visit your immediate neighbors right after you moved in, but how could you possibly know? Definitely not from Indonesian Grammar books. They don’t really tell you what’s acceptable and what’s not when it comes to custom.
And when you find yourself being subjected to an inquisition about your private life, with an Indonesian looking sincerely curious, waiting for your hesitant answer, what could you possibly think of? Indonesian people are all nosy! They ask things like “Are you married, Mister?”, and “How many children do you have?”, and “How old are you?”, and even “How big is your salary?”. Yet for an Indonesian it would be most natural to inquire personal information of a stranger: to weigh up their social position, to start a conversation, as well as to show that you care about that particular person. Once learning the motives, I don’t think you will find sufficient reason to be pissed off with this “interrogation” ritual.
And once learning your motives, I don’t think any Indonesian will find you flirty when you pat her (especially HER!) on the shoulder. Of course you know you only mean to be friendly, to show a little harmless affection, but does the object know? You can never be sure. It is not in English Grammar books either. The thing is, it’s not common for Indonesians to have such a “free” inter-gender contact. Plus all you bule suffer from the stigma of being too relaxed in “relationships”, be it true or exaggerated. It all sums up to one thing: fat chance of your not being regarded flirty while you’re keeping your old habit.
Yet the facts remain: bule ain’t really flirty, just as Indonesians ain’t really nosy (of course in both cases we might have some exceptions ;p). This is what they call “cross-cultural understanding”. This is what prevents wars and disputes between groups of people from different backgrounds. This is what could save you from malicious rumors (believe me; it will be malicious once people here start thinking you flirty or so). This is what I learnt the hard way.
24 and still a naïve girl, I’m at least determined to learn from my mistakes. And as to this cross-cultural stuff, I could well say that all you have to do is to keep being open-minded and positive. Before passing any judgment –“nosy”? “flirty”?- just bear in mind that everybody has a reason. And a whole set of culture behind him.
(Mas Kris made me work on these cross-cultural understanding topics for some upcoming focused group discussion. Nasty little thing.)
posted by eloque @ 5:30 AM
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